God knows how I love my family, but it doesn't matter anymore.

After spending most of my teenage life in Singapore without my family, Dad started to think that I am a lousy daughter who always argue back to him, disobey him and trying to show the lousiest attitude. Situation is becoming more and more harsh, as it's getting harder for us to communicate. And my mind is filled mostly with hates, towards him. I can't really talk nicely when he is trying to talk to me, because I will never know if he gonna get furious with the next sentence out from my mouth.

My sister always ask me, the reason that I have to be so fierce, when I am talking to Dad. I know he loves me but, there're just so many things that I need him to understand.He's all about himself, because he has been a boss for sucha long time, and everyone has to listen to him. And whatever has gone wrong, he is always right, and we are always the one at fault. Hello! I can't accept this! I'm sorry but I have to tell you my thoughts, Dad! If you choose to think that all my thoughts are ridiculous and choose to shout at me, I'm sorry again, I am still standing firm and begging for your understanding.

My dad has been constently changing from bad, to worse. Doctor said, he is sick. I've forgotten the name of the sickness. I think... it's the opposite of depression, which means he will scream and shout at others, and get some comfort from there. He needs the medication to control his temper but he just refused to take the medication. And Mum have to be the one enduring those screams and shouts. Sometimes, he is just so ridiculous until an extend that, I will have to shout back. I mean, I am really tired to hear him shout at us all the time. And he will use all those ugly words to hurt us.

Now, we don't talk, and I'm avoiding arguements.

I'm trying to put myself in others shoes, and realised that we're alike. I mean, my dad and I. And that makes me hate myself more. I promise myself to be someone better, at least not to hurt others with words, but I've failed. I feel so annoyed with what I have done, and sometimes I even wonder am I even improving?

I don't blame anyone for sending me to Singapore when I was only 12. And I don't need you to blame me for being someone rebelious. I realised I've been drifting away from my parents. I realised I don't really share with them about myself. Because I know, if I share, I will get more scolding and misunderstanding. And now, I don't bother to share, I rather keep it within myself.

I'm sorry I have to type it down, I'm keeping it for too long.